Open Book

The table of contents shows my insides in a flash,

Chapter by chapter, the story changes

With each page, new people

New events,

New dialogue,

New twists and turns

The story progresses,

The tale continues,

Turning back will just show you the details you missed

Skipping to the end only leaves you with speculation

You have to read on,

Even when it hurts,

Even when you do not like it,

Because if you stop reading before the end,

The story dies

This is my story,

Bound in the cover of life and death,

Each page a moment in time,

Each chapter a part of my life,

Each act a stage of life

I am an open book.

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More To Life

Life,

More than just breathing,

More than just bleeding,

More than just caring,

More than just crying,

More than just loving,

More than just losing

Moments,

Memories,

Made from life,

Made for life,

Made to give life meaning

Maybe we are more than what happens to us,

Maybe what we do with it matters more,

Maybe the world is not against us,

Maybe we are against ourselves,

Maybe bad things happen, so we can grow,

Maybe the struggles we face are more than just failure,

Maybe there is no such thing as failure, but what we make it,

Maybe “failure” is the first step on our journey through,

Life

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other stuff, I finally finished my first book! 61,179 words. It’s only the first draft, and took me two years, but this creative endeavor was crazy and brilliant. You can always go on my deviantArt page to read most of it.

That’s all for this post.

Good Luck,

Red

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A Long Journey Ends

Wow, what a crazy three years its been. In April of 2010 my two best (and practically only) friends invited me to their Boy Scout meeting. Little did I know what was in store. Before then, I was a rather mindless, empty, lost kid. I didn’t have any true goals, passions, desires, hopes, or dreams. My memories from before about four years ago are very vague, and most are not pleasant. When I went to that meeting that Tuesday night, my whole life changed. Lured in by the promise of outdoor adventures, doing things I never even considered, and building my character, I began a journey on the trail to Eagle.

Three years ago was the first time I took control of a canoe, went backpacking, spent a week camping, built a survival shelter, and tracked animals. Two years ago, I rowed a kayak, shot shotguns, craved things out of wood, raced a boat made out of cardboard, and took on the Ocoee river rapids. A year ago, I went on a 12 day trek in the New Mexico mountains, was in charge of a Troop of 30+ Scouts, made clay dragon, and truly grew as a leader, and a person.
This evening, I attended the highest rank in Scouting, Eagle Scout. It’s been a long time coming, I’ve pour blood sweat and tears (literally) into it, and at long last, I’ve reached the end of the trail to Eagle. Regardless of the recent vote, regardless of which Presidents signature is on my certificate, this loft title holds incredible honor, and I will always regard it as something of truly high worth. I am now and forever, an Eagle Scout.
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The Beginning of The End

Well, first I’ll just say that I realize its been a while since I’ve posted on here, between working on Eagle stuff, being busy with other things, depression, and relationship stuff, I’ve just not have much time to sit down and post anything worthwhile on here. On to my topic…

As some of you may have heard muttered about in the background, the Boy Scouts of America have recently changed their membership policies to allow gay youth become members. This has caused an uproar with the churches across the nation that charter Scout Troops.
This is including my own.
So they have decided to allow their charter with our Troop to expire at the end of the year, and my Troop will disband. Luckily I’ll be able to get my Eagle well before then, but it’s still a very disheartening thing to hear. Close, good friends of mine won’t be able to reach it while in this Troop, some of which have been with it since Cub Scouts.
I don’t want to talk about this issue too long, but I think a few things need to be said.

1: How many openly gay youth are going to join Scouting? Between being alienated by all the other boys in a Troop (along with bullying and hazing because of it) and from his normal friends for wanting to be a part of Scouts, what sane kid would do that to himself? Not to mention, how many kids say openly “they are gay” at the age that most boys join Scouts? Answer, next to none. Never have I or anyone I know say that they were “born gay”. It almost always develops because of some form of parental issues, be it a extremely dominant mother or father, or a very passive father, or molestation, or whatever else, I’ve never heard of someone realistically saying they were born gay.

2: There was no reason to push this vote to change the membership policies. The legal side of it was taken care of years ago when they went before the Supreme Court and won their case. The main thing that happened was that highly liberal companies said that if they didn’t become more inclusive and conform to their agenda, they would drop their sponsorship and funding. Over 90% of the member base in my council were against the vote, but because money drives the world, national passed the vote. There was no need to bring this issue to a vote in the first place, and it was ridiculous.

3: The churches reaction to this. You don’t have to be religious in the least to see this point of it. If you’ve ever read the bible, you should know that Jesus hung around some of the most hated people in society, never turning his back on anyone. Lately, the view of the church has been that being openly gay is the unforgivable sin and that they shouldn’t even touch the ground the church sits on. That’s just plain wrong. No, if someone comes in and tries to make everyone accept and support homosexuality, that’s another story, but no one is trying to do that here. I personally don’t agree with National’s vote, but the overreaction from the church is just wrong, and their turning their backs on the youth, which should be all that matters.

Final verdict, the boys suffer in the end, this has easily cut Scouting in half or less here in the south, and cut down countless others throughout the country. Just as it seemed Scouting was starting to build up its member base again and reignite Scout spirit, they pull this, which if not enough other places step up and charter some Troops, could possibly kill Scouting, or at least reduce it and any accomplishments within it to a simple footnote.

Nothing to speak of creatively, emotionally, or spiritually.
Good luck, stay sane, and keep moving forward,
Red

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The State of The Hell Inside My Head

Hello Internetland,

So, where should I start? I guess I can start by telling you what I mean with the title. The hell inside my head is best defined as my infinitely impossible infinitely expanding imagination. The world we see around us is not the one I see. I can see anything I want to see in the world, and all I have to do is close my eyes. Actually, only for the really impossible things do I need that much focus for. unLuckily for me, I’m not quite crazy enough to believe what I see, so I can’t actually live in the world I see, can’t talk to the people I create from the pieces of everyone I’ve ever seen for long than a couple of minutes, can’t use magic, can’t fly, can’t watch meteors fall from the sky and destroy skyscrapers and then watch it in reverse. I can’t become a knight, slay a dragon, or craft a legendary sword.

Not in this world.

But in my world, I can see all of those things. If I were alone, sure, I would talk to the mysterious man in the trench coat and fedora with a copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy sitting on the table next to a glass of milk and a cupcake. The guy with brilliant sky blue eyes that pierce out of the shadow of the hat rim and the strand of pitch black hair that fell perfectly down from it. His roughly shaven beard wouldn’t scare me off, he’s in my head after all. And when he takes off his leather glove and I shake his scarred pale hand and take a seat at the table with him, it’ll be perfectly natural. Just as natural as the Russian mafia of magicians teleporting down through the ceiling and stealing the man’s hat before blowing up the back of the coffee shop and escaping on the back of their griffons.

Of course, I don’t live in my head, so something like that will never happen. Instead, I am trapped inside this hell, because I can see it as vividly as the computer I’m typing on or my girlfriend’s face. I can imagine nearly anything I set my mind to, and see it nearly perfectly. Of course, because I’m such a big fan of it, sometimes for ease and enjoyment I’ll see things like anime, and for the more impossible of things it’s the easier way of doing it.

So that is just a small taste of the hell inside my head. If I bored you, drove you crazy, or whatever else, apologies, I don’t know what people are looking for or expecting from this yet. If you want to hear more, feel free to let me know, and I’ll be surprised and probably a little happy about that. of course, any response will make me happy. So anyways, as much as I hate making this public, recently I discovered that my girlfriend cheated on me with one of my best friends; kissed him three separate times. Now, I’ve forgiven them both now, but more so back when I first found out, but even still, I have been tortured by the crystal clear image of what they did. Even the first time I saw her again after it happened and kissed her, which made me feel a lot better about everything, I can’t shake those images. It’s at least as bad, if not worse, than the images burned into my mind from porn, but that has mostly faded in time. But those were linked to feelings of pleasure, and this is of just pure torture. As I’m typing this I can see it, and I just stopped myself from writing it down so I can’t read this a year in the future and suddenly have it flood back.

So where am I now? Struggling with how to deal with the hell. I use to have it under control, but ever since a ton of crap all flooded in at once in my life, I’ve been in a downward spiral nearly nonstop, and I can’t figure out where I’m headed.

Thanks for bearing with me, stay (in)sane, good luck, and good night.

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Dragon’s Journey

First off, I’d just like to say thanks to everyone who stumbled upon my blog recently! Not sure how you found it, but I’m glad you liked it, and some enough to start following it! For now, I thought I’d post a poem for you. Thanks, and I hope you stick around!

Flying, soaring,
Touching the clouds
No limits, no restraints,
Free to capture the sky
Below, a sea
Miles of endless wonder
Ahead, the horizon
and endless possibilities

 

Something new, something different
Below, people run
They see me, blocking the sun,
Casting my shadow upon them
They scream, scared of me,
They go to protect their homes
I roar and shout,
Fire billows, eyes glaring
They come back, bows in hand,
But I’m safe within my wall,
Scales of red, like my spirit,
Like my fire

 

I see cows and sheep,
But my goal is not to be found
I search and scan,
Peer and pry,
But alas, none is around
So I take my meal,
And fly away,
And find my home,
In my mountain cave
I swoop in with a gust of wind,
Wings flap, nails scrap,
Landing in my hidden haven

 

I toss my meat,
I’ll save it for later
I’m tired now, and my bed awaits
I turn the corner, and with a gleam of light,
My eyes fill, with a dream of delight
For my bed was all in order,
Bars, coins, jewels, and gems
My gold is here, every last piece,
So now at last,
I may rest in peace
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Once Upon A Time…

Hello,

I have a riddle for you.

What is darker than black,

Colder than ice,

Quieter than death,

And follows me everywhere?

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 My eyes fluttered open, the morning sun casting shadows through the maze of bumps on my popcorn textured ceiling. For now I had shelter within my floral cotton blanket, perhaps a bit girly, but it did its job well, and I was nice and warm like a soft embrace. I closed my eyes again, just for a moment, just trying to grasp the last few fragments of the night’s dream. It was incredible, like an epic movie or my favorite anime. Intense battle, tender romance, and a setting far beyond this world; it was the paradise inside my head. Just this once, because I was able to live it in the dream; able to turn the hell to heaven…

So I chose to drift in and out of sleep, tortured by my conscious thoughts. These feelings, images, emotions, longings, all just out of reach. I’m sane, and furious about it. Because if I were just a little crazy, maybe I could let myself believe the world inside my head, instead as it being the ever haunting visage of unattainability.

Finally a couple hours pass and the wake-up call comes through the door. I shut my eyes to fool her, repeat the daily spiel, pray to God to give me strength, and tumble out of bed. And then there’s that moment, when I have to cross the threshold of my room, to leave the sanctuary of my tower, the safety of my little chamber, the haven of my sanity. It passes in a moment, but dreaded every day. And so my daily cycle begins again: the same food in the morning, the same crap on the news, the same patterns of “reality” television, the same chores, and the same life.

So, what’s so special about me, eh? I wish I knew. Nothing seems to be. I’m overly trusting, overly sympathetic, and over reactive. I’m not skilled at anything, particularly the things I’m most interested in: creativity. I can draw, write, paint, knit, carve, sculpt, fold, cut, shape, form, or alter anything in a way that most of the time even conveys what I see inside my head.

This isn’t writer’s block, this isn’t just a dilemma, this is a life with lost meaning, and it drives me mad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slowly falling,

Slowly failing

Out of sight,

Out of fight

All that remains,

Is my fading soul

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And we’re off…

Right, so I suppose to start with, you should have a rough idea who I am.

I’m Josh, I live in the southern United States. I’m a gamer, a writer, a reader, and a Boy Scout. I like to attempt to draw, knit, and other oddities, such as a clay dragon I’m currently working on. I’m a Baptist Christian, homeschooled, and going to college this Fall. I am a total geek, dipping into almost all fields of geekdom. From all kinds of games, to anime, to sci-fi and fantasy books; if it’s geeky, I’ve heard of it.

Not a whole lot more to say about me, though I suppose if your curious to find out more, you could leave a comment with some suggestions, and I’ll say more later. For now, onto this… thing, you’ve stumbled upon. Call it a blog or something, I don’t even know, but I signed up on the website so I could enter a Guild Wars 2 writing contest, which I never finished my story for. I might actually finish it at some point and post it, since the draft is still on here, but for now I have other things I want to do. I’m considering using this for writing some short stories, poems, or other bits and bobs of writing, but since I have a deviantArt account that I post that sort of thing to, I’m not sure what I should do.

Not sure if anyone will even find this, or read it if they do, but I’ll try and keep this more updated than I have been with my dA, so yeah… If you have any questions or suggestions, please fire away.

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